my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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