just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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