if you like me you must not know who I am
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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