DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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