i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
