Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
