I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
