So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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