i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
