I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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