Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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