can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
