It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
