His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
