i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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