I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
