when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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