I want you more than these girls want KFC
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
