I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
