ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
