The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
