Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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