I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
