It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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