Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
