1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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