I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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