as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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