Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
