Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
