you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
