I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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