She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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