I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Everyone says I win the strip club
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize