new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
