My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
