I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
