Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
