i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
True strength comes from lack of pants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
