Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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