Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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