did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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