My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Im part way to drunk.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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