Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
