I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
40s are totally the cure
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
