woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
