toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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