oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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