I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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