The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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