Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize
