We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
