I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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