there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
