I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Randomize
