Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
not ubering you a puppy
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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