Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
