i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Two words: blizzard sex
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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